My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
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Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
sugar glider wrangler
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door