me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
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Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I wish I could veto my bills.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.