in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
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[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Fries, not lies.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.