My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
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Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.