After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
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This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.