I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
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Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Always
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!