walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
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HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.