How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
You Might Also Like
is this store having a stroke wtf
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.