a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
You Might Also Like
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
That was easy.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*