Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
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Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
OH. COME. ON.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
sigh
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.