RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
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the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running