“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
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honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in