Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
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there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
“what’s it like having a sister?”
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
another case of gang violins
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here