Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
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[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.