“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
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*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here