Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
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“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?