The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
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I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.