Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
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5 ways to appear taller
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
time machine? you mean a clock?
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.