I self medicate, therefore you live.
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“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
I think this should do it.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”