crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
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I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Seek kebab; not attention
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.