4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
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If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.