I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
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♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.