DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
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*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.