*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
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Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
this chia pet tastes awful
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.