Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
You Might Also Like
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
When your man makes a valid point
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.