WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
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God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.