ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
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If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”