India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
You Might Also Like
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
new record!
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.