[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
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I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Well well well…
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.