I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
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I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit