[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?