If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
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Can. I. Help. You.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait