The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
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High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
What a website
*bites zombie*
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.