It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
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Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
“Huge”.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?