I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
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This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Lmao
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.