If Mr Krabs owned a bar
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good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
same bro
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
umm…
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.