cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
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*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭