You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
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We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
They also CAN sing✌️
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.