If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
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you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.