Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
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Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something