Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
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Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾