Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
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Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today