A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
You Might Also Like
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.