I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
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Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Ok, but like, how married are you?
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
my dad has had enough
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.