“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
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With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”