Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
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When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth