My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
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Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.