Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
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My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.