Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
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Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
meanwhile over on facebook
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.