Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
You Might Also Like
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!